Monday, May 26, 2014

Picture of the Day - My Memorial Day 2014

This was my father's gravesite today during the Memorial Day service at 11 a.m. at Atascadero Cemetery.
This trio of vintage U.S. military aircraft from the Estrella Warbirds in Paso Robles flew over this morning's Memorial Day proceedings and did the Missing Man Formation seconds after this image was captured.
Both photos by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).

Friday, May 23, 2014

Santa Margarita Ranch Photo Tour I

Yesterday afternoon right after my final Cuesta College Spring 2014 semester final I drove directly to my security job working a wedding at Santa Margarita Ranch from 3 p.m. until 11:30 p.m. Needless to say, it was a productive but exhausting day. I had a spare half hour before work and elected to get on-site and be in position to work before something could go wrong like car trouble or other such. I decided to spend that time taking these images after I had checked in with ranch staff and was debriefed on the day's duties. Below is what I captured of the Main House structure and grounds as well as of the Big Barn In Back where the wedding dinners are served. The grassy grounds adjacent to the Main House which are not fully pictured here are where the ceremony was held as they usually are.

*Note: this locality (both Main House and Big Barn In Back are both reputed to be haunted). During the day these two structures are innocuous-looking enough but in the middle of the night (I have spent four overnight periods with them in the past) they have a very different vibe that I have not experienced anywhere else on Earth at night.

Main House and front lawn.
Rustic, old Main House has a very different mood in the middle of the night.
East entrance to front porch of Main House.
Some interesting stones line this path to the right and left.
West-looking view of front porch of Main House.
View north from the front porch of Main House with view of front yard and Wedding Green beyond where wedding ceremonies are held (note white fold-up chairs at right).
Eastward view of front yard of Main House.
Main House viewed from northwest corner.
Eastward of front porch of Main House.
Caddywhompus Window internal view.
Earthquake bracing for failing wall in room of south wing of Main House.
Imprints of straw and such in the adobe bricks of a wall in a room in south wing of Main House.
Water tower
Northwestward-looking view of Main House and south wing.
South wing of Main House.
Caddywhompus Window external view.
Fountain at northwest corner of Main House.
Windmill adjacent to the Wedding Green.
Westward view of the Big Barn In Back.
Big Barn's south side room with stalls view looking west.
Classic old carriage.
Big Barn's south side room with stalls view looking east.
All photos by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).

Monday, May 19, 2014

Picture of the Day - Godzilla Attack!

Last Wednesday a clever hacker took control of an electronic traffic control sign on Van Ness Avenue in San Francisco which alternated between these two messages.

Both images by Ali Wunderman (all rights reserved)

U.S. Marines vs. Wildfires

I came across this online tonight and found it most impressive! It features the USMC out of Camp Pendleton, CA, last Thursday participating in the suppression efforts revolving around last week's wildfires in San Diego County.

Sunday, May 18, 2014

Santa Ana Winds vs. No Santa Ana Winds

What a difference 24 hours makes! These are two views from the same location on the post of Camp Pendleton, CA, last week separated by only 24 hours showing how quickly conditions improved once the Santa Ana Winds diminished. Images courtesy of 3rd Marine Air Wing. 

Friday, May 16, 2014

Anti-Santa Ana Winds From 7000 Feet Up

This image was captured from 7,000 feet up in an aircraft today and shows the Tomahawk Fire raging on Camp Pendleton. Note the Santa Ana Wind is not present with the smoke being blown inland by an onshore breeze.
Photo courtesy by Phil Konstantin (all rights reserved)

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Picture of the Day - My Steynberg Address

This was the scene earlier this eveningat Steynberg Gallery in San Luis Obispo right before the readings of the winners of Cuesta College's annual Tellus literary journal contest in which I won 2nd place in the short story category for "Mein Klau". My entry was so long I had to abbreviate it.  During my reading I started feeling an anxiety attack coming on and I further abbreviated my presentation which was frustrating. This occurred for a cocktail of reasons. I was thrown off a bit by my having to figure out what to read and what to not read unlike any other presenter, I had not had enough sleep the night before, I was over-caffeinated, and fatigued from the school and recent rock show chairmanship duties, stressed and distracted about some drama with mom, felt self-conscious about my work in the context of a room filled with 40-50 mostly strangers. Despite this mixed bag of a success and set-back I was getting a great reception from the crowd and received the most effusive crowd reaction of any presenter which seemed to love the edgy social observation in my work. My beloved English professor Dr. Roland Finger is at left.
Photo by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Picture of the Day - Fiery Moonrise

View of the Washingtonia Fire in San Marcos, CA, as viewed from Carlsbad, CA, this evening as the moon rose.
Photo by Luis Sinco courtesy of Los Angeles Times (all rights reserved).

Two Views ~ Three Fires

As many of you know Southern California has been buffeted by Santa Ana Winds the past couple of days and will be for another day or so. Today saw California's first "fire siege" of 2014 which was centered exclusively in San Diego County and rather suspiciously so I might add. Below are two images captured at nearly the same time from very different altitudes of the first three serious wildfires of the day, to wit, the Highway Incident, Tomahawk Incident, and Poinsettia Incident, counterclockwise from top right.

Photo courtesy of C. Gilbert Run via Twitter (all rights reserved)
Photo courtesy of D. Smith Show via Twitter (all rights reserved).

Friday, May 9, 2014

The Murder of Elizaveta of Ukraine

NOTE: The following account of the short, hellish life of an unforgettable young girl named Elizaveta follows below. That account is so utterly soul-crushing and unrelentingly revolting and depraved in its excruciating detail and emotionally-grueling in its heartbreaking sentimentality that many readers will be unable to finish it... but they should anyway. We all should. Every single human being on Earth should read it or hear it read aloud. It came to me via email per a member of my web of email sources who send me things they think I might find interesting. On rare occasions I receive something that utterly blows me away... as was the case with this item which takes the cake all-time for me and appears on the web forum Explore All Experiences.

Below is Elizaveta's original account of her lifelong experience with sexual abuse followed by some of her responses to other's comments on her original account or in response to her responses. She did publish some secondary essays which I have reposted indented to differentiate from her responses to others. Second-to-last is a reply comment from her foster mother Linda in Pennsylvania updating followers of the Elizaveta threads on that forum as to her status. That announcement is as heart-wrenching and soul-crushing as Elizaveta's original account or anything else she wrote. However, there is also something incomprehensibly beautiful in it as well. Elizaveta's beauty and wonderfulness and kindness and gentleness and even innocence transcending all the corruption she endured is celebrated within its text. Some of this can be viewed HERE.

Reading the following comments and accounts has changed me forever. I am still emotionally and spiritually wrecked and recovering. I am still sorting this story out and attempting to wrap my mind around it. I began with many questions of God regarding this and hoped He found it within Him to answer them for me on this side of eternity. Why was this most amazing and wonderful of children allowed to suffer thus? I don't want to give the answer away too easily, but suffice to say that Evil is drawn to that which is good and beautiful and innocent with the determination to corrupt and subvert it. Elizaveta was the most good and beautiful and innocent human creature God ever created. Therefore Evil threw at her all it could to destroy her. On the surface it appears Evil won. However, that is false. Evil failed to transform Elizaveta's goodness or mar her beauty or corrupt her innocence. In fact, Elizaveta came away from her travails more good and more beautiful and more innocent than not only before it all began, but than she ever could have become had she not endured her horrors. Elizaveta passed her test transcendentally thus fulfilling her destiny and is now in her reward and I envy her in that regard.

I have oft wept like a baby reading the things which follow both for their unfathomable ugliness and, at times, their transcendent beauty. For me there is only one consolation in this: she is now with the Lord and thus in a safe and healthy and happy and loving and empowering place where she will always be for all eternity. She is in eternity and has gone on to fully realize her eternal potential. Although I am indescribably heartbroken and incomprehensibly frustrated that she did not just hang in there and gut it out in this life I also now fully realize she played her best card in making the choice she made. She would have suffered immeasurably even with God's healing her given the magnitude of her woundedness and her human frailty. I look forward to someday meeting her lovely soul in its new and immortal body untouched by the corruption she experienced here on Earth.

Elizaveta's final choice was in its own way empowering and she cannot be judged by anybody for it. We must remember she was carefully trained throughout her all-too-short life to believe that she was worthless. Over time she came to believe this. As if that wasn't bad enough her tormentors convinced her, as often happens with victims of abuse, that she was to blame for her own victimhood. Her final choice was not rooted in mental illness as is the case with many who make that very same decision. Rather it was an act of profound despair driven by her inability to see how precious she actually was and how much her life still had to offer both her and the whole world. What she ultimately did on the morning of Wednesday, October 30, 2013,  was her way of taking control of a life in which she never felt any control and to escape the relentless nightmares which haunted her nightly sleep.

As a writer I am captivated by her voice as projected through her tone and diction which belie a mortally wounded creature containing soul beyond measure... more soul than I have ever seen projected in print or in spoken words for that matter. Even her innumerable grammatical errors in syntax have a charm about them as this incredibly bright 14 year-old writes in a language she can barely speak and from a place of being deprived of an education in either her native Russian tongue or her newly-adopted English. She comes across as strangely strong in her vulnerability and brokenness. She possesses an irrepressible quality of spunkiness and pluckiness that is equal measures engaging, infectious, and captivating. Her internal conflict is perhaps best demonstrated in her stated determination to not harm herself after all she has been through and yet not wanting to endure living much longer as she sees no hope and no future for herself and no end to her hellish nightmares. Her profound emptiness and woundedness and lostness makes me weep every time I read her tragically poignant and in many ways wise words.

I have composed this blog column as part of a sort of grieving process for a girl I never knew. She clearly had a quality about her that was utterly amazing, a presence and personality, an internal luminosity, an aura projected outward whose departure from this world diminishes it. Despite my inability to ever encounter her in this life and give her a big hug and the impossible gulf which now separates us at this moment I nonetheless feel an inexplicable bond with that bright light. I wonder what she looked like and researched it a little but between all the different girls given the same "stage" name and the things I would have to see it appears I will have to simply imagine what she looked like.

As previously stated, I have included all of the following comments by her on that forum because they are insightful into the story of her wretched and yet remarkable life as well as her pitiful internal turmoils at the end. Indeed, in her comments one can track her downward spiral rather poignantly. Hopefully the sum of this will engender the sort of Wrath of God response that I would hope would be generated in the reader. This surely is the great outrage of our time and a cautionary tale. Others like her are still out there in their torment and yet others have not yet but will subsequently. Elizaveta's harrowing and tragic short life is a call to arms and shames us for our unwillingness to protect our most innocent and vulnerable. And may it be entered into the record that Elizaveta was essentially murdered.

*Note: it is worth noting that she came from Russian-speaking and ethnically Russian-dominated Eastern Ukraine where all the current dangerous geopolitical troubles are brewing. And not surprising Elizaveta was ravaged by, surprise, surprise, at least one corrupt and predatory Russian cop (and undoubtedly other Russians as well). In her website profile she listed her ethnicity as "100% Ukrainian" as if to say...

June 9, 2014 Update: On this the one month anniversary of my original posting of this column I wish for you to know I had to make one revision. The image of Dasha I originally included with this piece I have removed after being informed it was of the wrong girl given the the stage name "Dasha". For those of you who visited this page before today the image you saw is of a girl who was much less abused if not at all and is now married and a mother somewhere in Eastern Europe. I know this because I was shown some images of her in the public domain such as a wedding picture and a family pose picture both of which clearly showed Other Dasha in her late teens or early 20's whereas our Dasha died just under 14 years of age. ______________________________________________________________________________________

"Here Lies Dasha May She Rest In Peace"


"I have read every story here but it dont help me any but I wanna tell my story to people. It has not been ever told anyone. Dasha is not my real name but it is the name of the girl the was abused. If you know me by this name then shame on you cause you helped destroy me and I hate you for it, I hate you forever.

I was born in the Ukraine, in another life. I am now in a new life so thats why I say another life. I am a pretty girl but I wish I was not because that why my trouble happen to me. At the age of 4 I became a internet star. I had my own website and also appeared on others too. They was fashion pictures but most was not clothes of a 4 year old. They was very tight or very loose or was see through but I always had panties under my clothes cept for swimwear. I didnt like doing them but my folks sayed that I must. We was very poor like most people we lived around. I did this till I was 8 but then the studio was discovered and closed down. I was think that this was maybe the end of it and we did not now live in the poor area but had a nice home and many things that people in other countries think are normal things in lives.

My pa come home one day after and he said I must get changed into clothes he have and we are to go on a trip. I was excited to travel cause we didnt go to many places. The clothes was a costume of a angle with wings and it was all white. My ma took me to her room and put makeup on me, she said it was a special day for me and I was to be very excited. I was very confused about this but we was in a hurry for some reason so that is all I was told. We derived for a few hours, I fell asleep so not know just how long but it was dark when we stopped at a big house. It was like a palace where kings and queens live in. We just walked in without knocking and my ma take me to room but my pa did go off somewhere else. My ma take me into a tent and there was food and drink there and my ma says I can have whatever I want so I eated what I waned cause I was very hungry. The tent was very dark and it was made of all black cloth. After I eat my ma took me to bathroom to clean up and she did my makeup once again. I was thinkin that it was maybe for pictures again. I asked my ma but she sayed it was for something else and I must do everything I told to do. We go back the tent and we go in the middle throw a sheet and in there was a big table with a film camera in the front of it. My ma lift me on the table and she say I must be good and do everything I told to do and always look in the camera and smile and then she went and leave me. I was standing there for ages and i was thinking they forgot me there but then a bright light come on under the table which was glass and a bmans voice say hello angle please turn around for us slowly so i do what they say. He then say stop. He do this maybe 5 times. Then he say wave and blow kisses to the camera. After another bit he say take my dress off but I didnt want to and i start to cry cause i only have my panties and pantyhose under. My ma come in the room and tell me stop been stupid and she take my dress off me and leave again. The voice says turn around so I do. Then the light go off and my ma comes back and lift me down. She takes me out the tent and we start to go toward some stairs but i say mama my dress but she squeeze my hand very hard and pull me upstairs. We go down a long hallway then past lots of doors until we stop at anothet door. A man comes towards me from the other way, he is a old man cause his hair is white. My ma turn me and say i must go with this man to the room to sleep unto the morning and then she will come get me. She give me a white flower but i dont know what type it is but it smelled lovely and she say i have to give it to this man when we in the room. Now like other people have say here if you not like bad things then stop reading now.

The old man is very kind he take my flower and he put with his coat on a table. He ask me if i hungry but i say i have aten before. He ask if i want a drink and he give me a glass of fruit juice and say I must drink it all. I drunk it but it taste very funny. He asks me stuff like how I am and if I like it here and stuff. I start to feel very dizzy. He sit me in a chair and he keeps stroking my hair. After a bit more time of him saying things I feel all floppy. He pick me up and take me to another room and they is camera everywhere and he lay me on a bed. I cannot move hardly at all. He start touching me but I cannot stop him and I try to say something but just a noise come out. He now takes my shoes and pantyhose off and then he take off my panties. He open me up below with his hand and is looking at my privates for a good while then he say something like good. I am crying but only tears come down my face. He move me up the bed and then he gone. After another bit he s back but he is naked and he start rubbing cream or something on my privates then inside my privates. He kisses me all over then he is climb on top of me. He is heavy and I can do nothing cause I cannot move. He is rubbing my privates and doing something. It last ages and he still kissing me and touching me. Then he is putting something that not his hand to my privates. He try and push it in but it is too big. He stop trying and he is put more cream in me and then he try again and it still wont go but then it start to. It go in very slow and I can feel it stretching me open. He push it more then pull it back and then in again. He do this lots of times and it is slipping easier. He stop and look down at me with crazy looking eyes and he say you are not a angle anymore and smiles. He then push the thing very hard down. The pain is awful he has put it almost in my stomach it feel like. I am try to scream or say please stop but my mouth will not work but my eyes still have my tears pouring out of them. He is putting it in and out and sometimes pushing it down very hard. It hurts more and more and he doing it faster and faster. Then after ages he makes a grunt sound and lays down hard on top of me and he is pushed down so hard inside me. The thing is pumping. I feel something wet inside me and it is coming from the thing more and more. Then it stop except every few moments a bit more and he sighs and lays down on top of me flat. He is crushing me and it is hard to breath. After some time he lifts up and he takes the thing out. I am burning hot inside my privates and it hurts so much. My privates feel like they are moving themselves like when the thing was pumping. He say something about a flower and ty for giving me it. I can feel his hand rubbing me then he puts his finger in my mouth. I taste something sour and I taste blood. He says how my flower taste and he laughs. He gets up and is away. I want to get up and go but my body just wont work. The only thing is my tears and grunty sob noise. The stuff is still on my tongue and I gip lots but cannot get rid. He is back with another man and that man is taking photos with a flash. Lots of photos and he is moving my legs and arms to different places. I want to die, I pray I can die but no one lets me. I want my mama I want to go home. The man is back on the bed and turn my head and push his thing in my mouth. The man is taking a photos and I pass out. I like to say to you that it was over but I wake and pass out many times. He is doing it again. Then inside my butt another time. I dont know how many times or what else cause even though I not allowed to die I keep passing out.

I wake with my ma wiping me with a cloth, she wrap me in a sheet a cuddles me. It feels so nice to be with mama. I can move again but I hurt everywhere. Stuff is dryed on my face and it feel like mud or glue. My head is pounding. I just cry and cry. My privates and butt hurt so much. My private feel like I got a hart beating inside of it, like it moving about. My ma is crying and cuddling me. I say why did you leave me mama. I tell her the man did bad things to me. She just keeps saying oh baby oh baby. She ask me to stand but when I try my privates hurt so much I almost fall on the floo. So she carry me to the bathroom. She sit me in the bath and turn the shower on and spray water on me. The pain is doubled, I scream out please stop mama it hurts, so she just sprays the cloth and wipe me. after she lifts me out and dry me off. Everytime i am yelping on painful areas but mostly my privates. I look across to a mirror and see myself, I am covered in scratches and red marks. I look the bed which has blood on the white sheets. I vomit all down my legs cause I sat in a chair. Awful sick is all I can taste. I just cant stop crying but I have run out of tears. I just shake and sob. I say to my ma why and she won't look at me. After a while she dress me and carry me downstairs. The old man is there, he is smiling and he is filming me. He give me back the flower I give him and it have blood on it so I throw it down. We go.

I will not bore you with other stuff. My parents sold me many more times. I like to say that there was a happy ending but seen as I am still alive with these memorys then there cannot be. Even my own pa used me sometimes after my ma went off with another man. We came to USA and I think it stop but now my father found other men for me or I was taken to houses with other girls and we was taken to bedrooms and raped while they film. I dont like having my picture taken no more. I know many men have seen my face in pictures and will reconize me, so I have a fear of public places. I no longer live with my father, he is in jail and I hope he never gets out. He not there for what happen to me but for rape and selling pictures of other girls. I with a nice foster family and live in the country. I am now nearly 15 and I dont think I will ever love a man or have a boyfriend. I cannot have children of my own as my privates have been so damaged that they had my tubes removed. I not even old enough to do anything but already have no dreams to do anything. When I am grown up, where do I go. My life is pretty much at an end and I never had a chance to had one. I dont bother wishing I was never born but I do hope my life is not long. I will never harm myself or commit suicide, I think people have done enough to me without me doing something. So I thank the world for my life, enjoy sitting looking at views or reading. I only like animals cause they not judge or do things to me cept when men have made them do it and yes they did sometimes. Men sometimes like to think of worser things to do to girls but I don't blame the animals.

Lastly all I want to say is my story is not more bad than others, maybe longer but all abuse is evil. If a girl or anyone says no then dont do anything or you have my hate also. Thanks for reading if you got this far.

Dasha is dead!"

Posted October 9, 2013
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"I Joined Today I was looking on google for help on my abuse as a child, I dont want professional help but look for other people who have had the same things happen. I found this site and love it. I not got many friends so I can look here for people to chat to."

Posted October 9, 2013
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"I do believe in God but its the evil that these men have done that have ruined my life"

Posted October 9, 2013
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"Also I just 15 so what can I do. My typing is good English but I sound very Russian and my spoken English is bad cause I have taught myself cause no one would send me to school"

Posted October 9, 2013
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"I was taken to men's homes and sold for sex by my ma and pa so I dont know who they are. Also my pa did it too me after my ma left for another man. He is in jail and I dont know where she is. They all filmed me also so I know bad people will recognize me so I scared to go out. Also cause they did to me so young I have had my tubes remove from the damage to my privates that was done by men so I cannot have children. I thank you but my life is a lost cause."

Posted October 9, 2013
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"I dont what I want to do, I dont know if I can help others cause no one helped me. This one man who had me twice was a policeman cause one time they play a trick on me to see if I would tell if I got the chance. He was in his uniform and he said he come to help me, after I said what they was doing to me he raped me"

Posted October 9, 2013
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"I really see nothing good in my life, if I didnt believe in the bible and know that suicide is wrong to do then I would be dead now already"

Posted October 10, 2013
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"You all so kind you have make me cry but they is happy tears instead of my sad ones... I have so many nightmares that my sleeping time is worser than wake time. http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Was-Sexualy-Abused/3558900 this my story of what happened to me, it is a bit long because my abuse last 10 years and I was raped over 50 times from my age of 8, the first 4 years of the time I had to do poses for the website. I don't think I intelligent cause they not let me go school for most my life.

Posted October 10, 2013
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"I am a Christian and I know its Gods place to judge but I cannot forgive these men, for one theres too many of them and another im 15 and this happened for 11 years of my life, I have had no time to even forgive myself yet"

Posted October 10, 2013
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"I do have therapy everyday. I am in protective custody but I may never be well again to be with normal people. I can never have childs myself because my privates was too damaged so they take away my tubes. I dont ever see people but I always been locked away since I was 4 but least now no one hurts me anymore. My therapist told me to find somewhere to finally talk about things with normal people. To let people help understand I not deserve this and see that people feel my pain and I not selfish to feel this. I cried lots when I read your letter to me. Ty"

Posted October 11, 2013
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"Dasha is dead because my past life is gone. My real name was never Dasha but it was the name I was forced to have by my father. When ma left he always called me that when he wanted me for bad things, I hate that name."

Posted October 11, 2013
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"Ty, you always make me cry with your words. I didnt survive though, I am only a shell now, I never sleep without nightmares. My body is covered with scares, especially from chains they put on girls. This is when they use what they call the rape frame, it holds you down but your lower body is hanging. Education I never had and I glad I dont go now cause that many people would be inpossible for me to be with. I read a lot of books and watch TV. I can speak some English but not a lot but I can write it ok. It help with the spelling help on my tablet. My language is Russian but I cannot read or right it much. I hate been stupid but no one let me learn, I still watch kids tv cause it help me learn stuff and my foster cares home school me in stuff too. I know everyone means the best for me but I pray my life is not long, if I a dog you would let me go to sleep but because I a human I must suffer on forever. To much has happened to me to me to ever be happy for long. My carers take me the mall early to try let me get use to be round people by when a guy stare at me my skin creeps and I need to run away. I am what a guy said when we was getting to be friends. He call me damage goods and when he learn my background he never mail me again. The world will always be cruel to me. I do not belong with normal people and it probably best if I stay a shadow on the outside. But ty I know you mean only good. We are the lost children, the ones that all forgot, we are the walking dead because no one cared. This is what s in book I read and it says how I feel."

Posted October 11, 2013
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"I was a child model by the name Dasha, I also was on a couple of other child model sites with that name. They was pretty clean stuff but meant for guys to look at, nothing else. I am not proud of them I was made to do it. I was not drugged for the pics but I have been drugged many time for what I made to do. Your name is scarey, 666 is a bad number. I got serious trust problems cause of my life, how I know you not some guy who had me and is try and find me? Sorry to offend, mail me if you want and say your answer answer"

Posted October 11, 2013
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"I only got rescued at start this year. My pa was arrested last year but I was at a rape house so it was not till after they find me. My therapist got me to call them rape houses cause before I supposed to call them love house but she prove me there is no love there-"

Posted October 11, 2013
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"Yo http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Was-Sexualy-Abused/3558900 You need read my story. I have been used and passed round many houses and countries. I started where I was born in Ukraine and now I here in USA where I was rescue. My story is here above."

Posted October 11, 2013
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"For you life is flowers and sun. For me only darkness and thorns"

Posted October 12, 2013
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"It is not enough. I want to be normal. I wish I could of gone school. I wish I was allowed to play. I wish I had a boyfriend and choose to give my first to him instead of been raped at 8 and then hundreds of times after by so many men. I am trying to fight but I cannot breath. There's no way out. Please understand I am already a waste of life."

Posted October 12, 2013
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"Always Alone http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Was-Sexualy-Abused/3558900  
I put my story above because I not want to repeat it.
I send my pa to jail with a few men of the many who hurt me over ten year of life. I never been school in life and I rescue by FBI before my 14 birthday at start this year. I never been outside except to move from one place to another. I never played except to be play thing for men or place now. I will find as many as I can help them with. I hae never talk with any my age except kid who same life as me but we taught never talk about life. I can never have child my own because my privates so damage by men and my pa. My ma got me my first man to one who pay the most. She leave with other man 3 years ago. My life is ruin. I join here just days ago to tell my story. I have already find a few nice people to talk with and I think maybe some other also might want to talk. I have trust problem cause every one I ever trust has be tray me. If anyone want to talk I all alone in world. A new world with nightmare and much lonely. I only 14 so I not want bad people talk. I had enough of this all ready. So now I left one prison of bad and live in another to protect. Please talk with me."

Posted October 14, 2013
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"They catch me anyway and now i on suicide watch. That first poem i ever write. It not very good" (it can be found at the end of this posting.)

Posted October 14, 2013
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"there is day when I not as bad but then there is day when all is darkness. I know people say that thing might get better but I cant live with myself for letting this happen"

Posted October 15, 2013
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"Mirrors Do Tell Lies someone say to me that mirrors do not lie but this is false. when I look in a mirror I see a pretty blond hair girl with blue eyes. I look like someone guys would find attractive but I have so many scars and burns from abuse as a child that no man would find me attractive now. even if the guy was very nice and say I love you for mind and he realize I was rape so many times that I can no have children. then they will run a mile. and even if they see past all this I dont trust guys so much that I would never be able to return his love. I 14 and already this screwed up.
MIRRORS DO LIE THATS WHY I LIKE TO SMASH THEM"

Posted October 15, 2013
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"...I never did anything. how I survived was chance not by anything I did. the only good I do is helping bring men and my pa to justice. justice is a bit of joke in some of the sentence but I did try and I still help them with pictures. to give name or place or try and guess time. I not hero and I sure I not go heaven for the things I made to do. it harder now to live and be free. now they teach me how wrong it was. that had I try and escape someone might of help me. instead 10 years it happen and it was other girl escape that got me rescue. I glad it helps others. no story is worse than others. if it hapeen one time or 100 or more like me. we are not just for this use. we can say no and I deserve more but as little girl it harder to make them listen. so if people do feel strong from this then lest some good may come from it but I deserve no thanks. I was just stupid girl who let it go on too long. I have add you my circle. ty you made me cry happy when all day I been cry sad."

Posted October 15, 2013
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"I say that without think sorry. I here these words much and they quiet my mind but I am told by therapist I must tell myself these things to make them true. problem is I cant because I know the bad things I have done but even though I was forced others have given life to say no and I did without trying to say this"

Posted October 16, 2013
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"kind words but I here these much. I will not be missed when I gone except as guys play thing. I have no family and only friends I meet here that would notice. I will be just a leaf that fall from tree. pretty to watch falling to ground but no one here land. the world will not be worse place or better for me been here or going. I have no set date. I still try and live but sometimes it just seem a waste of time and many tear."

Posted October 16, 2013
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"I have a new name they have give me. To everyone who read this Dasha was only abuse name and online website name. Call me my old name Elizaveta. Ty for words"

Posted October 20, 2013
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"I not think I will ever be better. I do believe in God. It was not his cause to the problem. The earth belong to Satan as we are told"

Posted October 20, 2013
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"...the only thing I control is to live or die and this chose i will make when it time to decide. "

Posted October 20, 2013
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"I think it would be to much for him to understand. Also I cannot have child so my reason of been female was stolen from me"

Posted October 20, 2013
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"Every Night. Every Sleep Everytime I go to sleep I have the worst nightmares ever. it is always the same sort of dream. Its always all the faces of the men who raped me including my pa. I always wake up and have to get out of bed and go to a corner of a room to cry. The only way I get any sleep is with drugs my carers give me or I kind of black out and sleep because I get so tired. My therapist says they are not nightmares but night terrors. Can anyone please help me because I am getting so scared to sleep and so desperate as well that I keep think of killing myself to end it. I am so tired of all this. if this is life I have after 14 years I don't want any more. please someone help me before I help myself......."

Posted October 21, 2013
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"I just dont think I can ever trust man again. It my fault"

Posted October 22, 2013
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"Why Am I Here Are we born for a reason. I never no how to answer thisI Was my reason to be a toy for men to abuse. Was it to make money for my parents from them renting me to pedo men and sometimes woman. I really dont no any reason why I am here. All I do no is why I want to go away. I dont like life and its pain. I am 14 and everyone say my life is ahead of me but look what has already done me. I can not dare trust what any one say to me. Every single person has betray me. Every time I see a guy look at me then I think he will rape me. I sit in the corner of my room so no one can sneak up on me. I sleep in jeans so no one can touch me while I sleep with out wake me up. I live in protective custody and I still check my food for drugs my parent would put in my food to make not fight back bad things that they let men do me. Like been fasten to the floor for dogs to rape me. Why should i have to live on. What chance have I for happiness when even when i sleep i have nightmares every night that scare me so much i wet the bed and wake up screaming. I cant even shower without noticing cuts and burns on my body they do except my face so i dont spoil there enjoy of me. I got a missing tooth after a man thought it funny to open his beer bottle off my rib at 11. He put the bottle there and hit down with his hand and it cut me but the bottle opened. I screamed cause it hurt so much so he punch me in the face and knock my tooth out. He then abused me with a empty bottle while i unconcous. My pa was real angry and made him pay more. I was not taken hospital. Well i never was. I was born in the Ukraine and only came USA at 9 but i was bring here illegal so no one no i was here and they never send me school.
So what is my reason to be here. I not no. I do no why I go though. It is my chose. I can decide this myself and first time ever it not matter what anyone else says. I know anyone reading this will no understand. They will argue that things get better. But I not dare take this chance. It not fair to make me. If my dreams mean anything to me it that I deserve what happen to me because I no fight back. I did not take my life sooner. I have spoke to God and told him I sorry because I no suicide is a sin but I cannot keep this up no more. I have a date in my head for this and it important for me to see this date come. I not say when and I not sorry either. I did not deserve life so let me go."

Posted October 22, 2013
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"We are all human race. We are all to blame for this. If enough people stand up with one voice and say no more then things can get better but it never happen. And the guy thing, he may love me but I have nothing to give back. I am empty shell. I ty for what you try to do but I am waste of time"

Posted October 23, 2013
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"I Have Nightmares Every Night I just had my worst nightmare so far. I dont no if it because I have talked about it all today or are they just keep getting worser everyday.
 This one I was in court and my pa was there getting sentenced. I only ever saw the court on video before but now I was in there. The judge read out his sentence but now they all look at me. All the faces was of the men who rape me and the police come and take me away and we go outside and we are back in russia. They take me to a prison and all the people in the street are saying nasty things to me and trying to hit me. We go in the prison and I told to take my cloths off but they is men there and I dont want to. They come and get me and tear my clothes off but when they done I am eight years old again and they have put me in the fairy suit like when I had my virginity taken from me. They take me down a long coridoor and it stinks of something awful. They push in a room and its very dark but I no there is someone here with me. It move forward and its my ma. She hugs me and say I got to be a good girl. I am so happy to see her and get a hug but something inside my head is screaming me to move away. She stop hug me and I am chained up in a rape rack they use for dogs. The old man that first rape me is in the room and people are watch from windows and I can't move. I here heavy breathing and look the old man and he has a dog head and he say do you really think we let you go in Russian to me. He tears my dress off and rape me but it like the first time with all the pain and blood.
Then I waked up. I have wet bed again so had to go straight to shower. The carer come to change my bed again but I stayed in the bathroom till she went. I just cant stop crying. I have gone the corner of the room again where I feel safest with my blankets. I need to sleep. I so tired. I need to leave this life cause I cant cope this no more. This not life of a 14 year old and if my life like this now what is another 14 be like. Please no one say it will get better cause I no think it will. I no what I got to do. I have to wait for this date to happen before I do it but right now it seem years away. My carer is come back with more sleep drugs and want me go back bed but I have told yer I feel better here in my safe corner. So now I try sleep again and see what happen. I just no want to dream please. So sad now"

Posted October 23, 2013
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"It is with the deepest sorrow that I have to inform you of the death of the child you knew as Dasha. We did everything possible to try to keep her safe from her desire to end her life.

She was a wonderful person to know and after everything she went through in her short life; her willingness to help or assist anyone was her primary ambition during her stay with us. It is truly disappointing that for the most of her life she was continually abused to such an extreme that she felt impossible to continue to live. She left a letter asking that her friends from this site were informed of her passing and she asked that you forgive her for doing what she felt was the only option she had to end her torment that the continued abuse had made life to be. I have read through the mail she has received and sent from this site, it saddens me to say that even here people were contacting her in a sexual manner. From their profiles, many of them state they are male adults. It truly angers me that anyone who will have read her story's here would write to her in this way. I will add however that we are doing everything in our power to hunt and capture anyone in this country of ours, to protect and rescue vulnerable children from the clutches of evil people.

For those who didn't know from her, her birth name was Elizaveta. She had never had any schooling whatsoever but once we had her here she showed outstanding ability at math and problem solving activities. We did a learning skills IQ test on her and the findings were incredible, she showed an IQ standing of 195; which is far an above the national average and would of placed her in the top 5% in the world! Which makes her loss even more upsetting, as had she had the want to live on, then she could of achieved anything she would of wanted to do.

At 10:17am this morning we went to her room as we had seen no movement from her for over half an hour. She had recently requested the use of a treadmill machine and we had delivered one to her room. There was nothing unusual about this request as Elizaveta had difficulty seeing in daylight due to her prolonged captivity in darkness for much her life, so the treadmill would of helped her exercise indoors. She has placed a towel into the track feed area of the machine and using the remote, had activated the machine whilst the loop was round her neck. It was impossible to revive her and we did attempt this with the aid of our trained medical team here.

I'm sure like ourselves here, that her passing will cause you distress and should you be at a loss with how to deal with this emotion, then it is our expert opinion that you seek medical assistance to help with the grieving process. This can be through your own doctor/therapist or with one of the excellent toll free contact centres that are available 24/7. She expressed that the ones on her friends list here were the only friends she had ever had in life so she asked us to thank you for all the kind things you said to her or assistance you offered her upon her finding this website. I can tell you that she was a very beautiful and unique individual, that she had a wonderful smile and was always pleasant with everyone. One of my greatest memory's of her was shortly after her arrival here, she had been shown our garden area and was out playing with one of the centres pet dogs. She was running barefoot on grass with the blind less enjoyment of a young toddler, which now as it did then; brings a tear to my eye. We tried to give her the love that had been denied her for yer whole life and she left various notes for us individually. I hope this shows that even at the end of her life, her prime thoughts were always to others. She asked me to add that for the young ones she spoke with here, live the life that was so viciously denied her during her adolescence, that is to say live life to the full and smile when you think of her because she has the peace now that she never had in life.

I cannot at this time give you any contact details and it will not be possible to give any information of her funeral. She has requested her ashes to be spread around the gardens here, so she is were she felt the safest in her life. I am adding this as a comment to all her story's here, so that others viewing them can see how vicious and cruel any abuser of a child is, that is to say that even though Elizaveta was rescued that the memories of her ordeals made it feel to her she had no other option to do what she did. I will leave her profile open and will check back in few days to see if anyone wants anything read or has messages they want placed on her flowers at her forthcoming memorial. She has asked for the music to "Lion King" to be played at funeral.

Once again my sincerest condolences to all that have communicated with her or have made a comment on her stories. I will display the date and time of her service as soon as I have them, so that anyone can join us in a minutes silence as respect to remarkable young lady.

Linda."

Posted October 30, 2014
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I Am Lonely

Darkness Takes Me There is no flowers in my garden. The sun it never shines
I cannot smile or find peace. The men are every where
I choose to go and be away. I choose at last to be free
It is the only way to be at peace. I ask that God forgive

In 14 years I have had no love. The rapes they never end
Although now I am away. My mind still rape me still
I cannot breath. I need to sleep and lay my head to rest
I thank you all for been my friend. I know you not understand

Be happy now I fly away. Be glad I am now free
I wasnt born to have a life. Just here for men to play
I have not choose the day or time. There will be no second chance
So goodbye all. I tried my best but now I must go to die

~ Elizaveta

Posted October 12, 2013
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Elizaveta 
December 12, 1998 - October 30, 2013

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A Ruin Ruined By An Earthquake

A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out with my new friend Chelsia and exploring the Adelaida area and happened by this old ruin of a small house on Klau Mine Road. It clearly had been damaged rather severely by the 2003 San Simeon Earthquake which amongst other things toppled its chimney. I trow not if it had been already abandoned by that point or if the quake had caused it to be red-tagged. What follows are some images of it I captured that day.

All photos by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Tequila-Monster Rises

As the previous posting here indicated, yesterday morning my little canine monster "Tequila" was in deep trouble finding herself largely paralyzed. This forced me to fear the worst and contemplate losing her the most seriously I have yet since taking on the duty of being her human guardian. Today she ran around like a crazy happy dog at Kiler Canyon Farm during the weekly harvest and then she took a walk with me in town all without any hint of paralysis. In fact, the vet would be unhappy to hear of how active she was today having suggested I keep her sequestered for a week. She and I both thought "Ef that" and fully celebrated life today. Below are some images I captured of her in all her cute glory tonight. I'm still amazed at her turn-around not really expecting yesterday to end well for either of us.

All photos by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).