Today was one of the very worst days of my life... certainly the worst since 2009. It did something to me.... or rather what I endured today did something to me that I hope is not harmful in the long-term. Certainly, tonight I feel particularly misanthropic and the idea of being the last person left on earth feels, at the moment, like a delightful predicament.
Sadly, my relationship with my very closest friend on earth may be permanently damaged beyond repair by today's events. I have lost all respect and trust for this person and I am genuinely ashamed of them. I am left questioning who they really are and who they really have been all along. It appears this person has chosen death over life although they have deceived themselves through their prideful stubbornness that it is otherwise. I officially give up on them and have already begun to grieve their absence from my life. I will terribly miss this person the rest of the days of my life.
I wish I had enough money to just go away for awhile... to the desert out east or the mountains up north or the coast over to the west. Instead, in the days to come I will bury myself in working to pay bills and get caught up on the work I missed today due to chasing my tail on behalf of this person. I must also make up all the work I missed last week from being in too deep a funk to even leave my house some of the days. This also was the result of what this person has put me through of late, this year, and over the years. What sucks is that I love this person more than life itself. I give this to God and will look to Him to get me through this and teach me from it whatever is in it for me to learn as I continue to grow in Him and prepare for eternity.
My entire life possesses a certain solitary and misunderstood feeling to it. I have always been an outlier and have felt the part throughout. The lonely road tonight feels ever more so than it has ever felt before. Yet, I am not alone and hope remains. I am blessed to be as close to my Creator as I am now and that despite my own prodigal past. I will be alright I suppose. Time heals all wounds... but wounds do leave permanent scars.... I will wear my scars with gratitude and pride. Heaven knows I earned them in the trenches of life.