Monday, August 3, 2015

My Achy Breaky Heart

Today was one of the very worst days of my life... certainly the worst since 2009. It did something to me.... or rather what I endured today did something to me that I hope is not harmful in the long-term. Certainly, tonight I feel particularly misanthropic and the idea of being the last person left on earth feels, at the moment, like a delightful predicament.

Sadly, my relationship with my very closest friend on earth may be permanently damaged beyond repair by today's events. I have lost all respect and trust for this person and I am genuinely ashamed of them. I am left questioning who they really are and who they really have been all along. It appears this person has chosen death over life although they have deceived themselves through their prideful stubbornness that it is otherwise. I officially give up on them and have already begun to grieve their absence from my life.  I will terribly miss this person the rest of the days of my life.

I wish I had enough money to just go away for awhile... to the desert out east or the mountains up north or the coast over to the west. Instead, in the days to come I will bury myself in working to pay bills and get caught up on the work I missed today due to chasing my tail on behalf of this person. I must also make up all the work I missed last week from being in too deep a funk to even leave my house some of the days. This also was the result of what this person has put me through of late, this year, and over the years. What sucks is that I love this person more than life itself. I give this to God and will look to Him to get me through this and teach me from it whatever is in it for me to learn as I continue to grow in Him and prepare for eternity.

My entire life possesses a certain solitary and misunderstood feeling to it. I have always been an outlier and have felt the part throughout. The lonely road tonight feels ever more so than it has ever felt before. Yet, I am not alone and hope remains. I am blessed to be as close to my Creator as I am now and that despite my own prodigal past. I will be alright I suppose. Time heals all wounds... but wounds do leave permanent scars.... I will wear my scars with gratitude and pride. Heaven knows I earned them in the trenches of life.


  1. Why do posts like this one show up about once a year? Look into a mirror and due away with the God rationalization(s).

    1. Mr Lutz,
      I kicked you out of the house in which you rented a room from me because you were so damned negative and creepy. Your continued negativity and stalking me via my blog for the 6 years since then are proof of the wisdom and validity of my decision. You are a sociopath with few real and enduring friends and your relationship with the rest of the human race is feigned and forced as you really cannot connect well with people. The only thing cyclical about this blog post is your drunk-posting in its comments. You are now back in the six month period of the year in which you allow yourself to drink for some reason. My angst-ridden comments are randomly spaced over time as events unfold I care to share. I share from the heart as this is a blog which means it is an online journal and you are an idiot to not recognize that fact. It is a wonder I do not post angst-y stuff like this more often but there is nothing cyclical or annual about it . However, there is something very cyclical in regards to your annual six-month binge drinking and drunk-posting.