For quite some time, but increasingly severely this quarter I have struggled with mental focus, motivation, ambition, and self-confidence..... I lost my mojo and felt overwhelmed by what I have to do to complete my coursework to graduate from Cal Poly a month from today. I have been often feeling powerless to do anything... especially as it pertains to my senior project at which I am severely behind schedule.
This morning the blinders came off and I recognized that something has been wrong.... I mean spiritually, not merely senioritus and college burn-out (which are also occurring), but also rather something deeper and more profound... and punitive. God has been gently disciplining me by withdrawing the full measure of blessing I have been more accustomed to and the full benefit of my God-given talents and skills. I have been like a ship in the Doldrums with hardly any guiding current of wind and water to motion me forth.... and I have not even recognized it.
This mild cursing has not been the consequence of any exotic or serious sin in the way we commonly rate/rank sins which is not God's perspective on sin anyway. For God any sin is sin no matter how small we might think it. No, I have not been away from God or out of right relationship with him. However, particular ongoing issues in my life I have left unaddressed or inadequately-addressed (like my tithe of time with God each day) or in other cases I've backslid into some things (like resuming arguing politics on Facebook after I had sworn off of that last month at God's insistence). There have been other things, too, but now you get the picture I hope.
God has pushed back on me to get my attention because He loves me and wants me to be close to Him and thus in a healthy relationship with Him which my selfishness, sloth, and stubbornness have hindered in recent months. Me being the knucklehead I am it took me awhile to figure it out. Scripture reveals "For whom the Lord loves he chastens and disciplines each of his children."(Hebrews 12:6) I have accepted the reproof and made things right and today was the most amazing day I have had in longer than I can remember. God is great and I love Him as He loves me!