Monday, February 1, 2021

A Little Update On Where I Am Today

Since late last November or early last December I have had an appointment for mom for this Tuesday, February 2nd, set up with her first doctor since the late 1980s (when she had Delmar Greenleaf) that I got her through her Medicare Advantage Plan that I got her. One of the important and timely reasons for this appointment is so she can get the process started for getting ADA-certified for a handicap placard. This would force the city to allow us to keep her ramp to her front deck contrary to municipal building code's mandates. She knows she needs the placard just for her own convenience given how crippled she is becoming AND it would give her the convenience of the ramp AND it would make the house saleable at full market value which would benefit her AND it would mean I would not have to find her a roommate with an ADA placard whom she might not like living in her home. I made all of this abundantly clear to her yesterday because I know her well enough to know she might take off because she compulsively and impulsively avoids doing things she needs to do and seems to know when she can disrupt my life most and then do it to get attention. 

When I reminded her of this she informed me she planned on day-tripping down to Altadena for the day (Sunday) to visit her parent's grave on the 24th anniversary of her mother's death. This raised alarm bells because of the proximity in time to her appointment and her aforementioned proclivity. She also had recently told me how tired she was that she claimed she had no energy to be taking trips right now. I countered that I would like to go with her because I have not visited those graves since the last time I was with her doing the same thing about 15 years ago. She counter-countered that someone from A.A. (her go-to lying mechanism about having "people" with whom she needs to do stuff) was going with her and there was no room for me as mom has her car always packed (backseat is filled) for the Apocalypse and lives out of her car even when she is at home. I doubted the truth of her story but hoped she would keep to the day-trip aspect. 

I went down to her house tonight and she has not returned which means she took off as I feared. Her modus operandi would be to overnight at the Best Western King's Inn in Kingman, AZ. She probably never even went to her parent's gravesite which was a cover story for her latest insane adventure in avoidance and disruption. She still might return home tomorrow in time for the appointment but things are not looking good right now. I choose to not stress on what I cannot control. I can control my choices and I choose to focus on trusting God to keep mom from going on a bender and hurting/killing someone in a DUI accident. I also will go into Dr. Kiger's tomorrow and see if he can get mom set up with the paperwork for ADA placard via walk-in visit because if mom misses her appointment it's another two month wait and the deck ramp thing won't wait that long. Perhaps driving mom to Kiger later this week can accomplish this task for our family.

I woke up this past morning after sleeping 8 hours feeling like something bad is about to happen. I decided attending my church is not what I needed this Sunday. Instead, I elected to focus on the specific things I know I need right now for what may come soon. I have no control over other people's decisions let alone the consequences of same and I have no control over the consequences of my own choices. My own power is the power of my own agency given to me by my loving Creator who is also using the things I experience to teach me and to modify me. I chose to sit down and get still and quiet and spend some time in quiet prayer with God and got into the word reading various parts of the Book of Hebrews. I selected some songs performed by Mahalia Jackson and Tennessee Ernie Ford to listen to for this day's worship music. I then listened to a full sermon by my late maternal grandfather. After that I prepared a 4-egg omelet with veggies and Parmesan cheese and salsa verde dumped over it and ate 8 slices of bacon. After that I elected to take a 10-mile walk. Then I made a conscious decision to be around healthy people and watched all four currently-dropped episodes of WandaVision to get caught up on that TV series. 
Today I lived mindfully, employing mechanisms and strategies that are healthy and helpful and move my process along despite the chaos and disruption I am headed back into with my mom. I also once again gave mom to God and asked Him to take this burden from me as I feel it is close to becoming harmful to my well-being. God is in control; I am not. Let come what may! Everything is going to be okay in the end. It is not the end because it is not okay right now.