Eclectic Arcania's Biggest Fan

This evening in response to my Make That Three Scholarships! column earlier today I received this positive feedback from Eclectic Arcania's biggest fan:

Anonymous May 19, 2013 at 3:18 PM

AS I monitor the weather disaster that touched down near mid continent airport in wichita, I AM PLEASED TO READ THAT YOU MAY STOP EXPLOITING THE CALIFORNIA EDUCATION SYSTEM AT FRUTILITY AND PERSUE YOUR PAUL BLART MALL COP CARREER - YOU ALREADY HAVE THE RENT-A COP BODY. GET THAT GUARD CARD AND ABANDON THIS MID LIFE CRISIS. LINDA IS GOING TO NEED YOU IN LATER LIFE

In response to this lovely little comment I kept it real and responded thus:

Dear Anonymous,

Your mother must be proud of you. You, her little baby, hides behind your online anonymity and makes disparaging comments sans attaching your name and reputation to them. This was undoubtedly the sort of thing which on the day you were born and she first beheld your countenance and embraced you within her arms was the sort of thing she envisioned you would someday grow up to do, thus inspiring her to work all the harder to raise you.

Undoubtedly your mother brags to her friends and peers that you, her favorite child, trolls the internet in such a fashion as to place you on the verge of cyber-stalking on other people's blogs.

Your mom's friends envy her that she has raised a child who has grown up to live such a meaningful and productive life that it allows you the time to dabble in an online activity for whom the world views its practitioners as lowest form of life on the internet.

I'm certain she is heartened to see you, her beloved child, appear to fully grasp the intent and purpose of financial aid as well as the benefits of acquiring an education.

Not only that, your mother would be filled with pride to see you commenting upon someone else's weight and that from a position of anonymity.

As if all this weren't enough your standards of "netiquette" have you using ALL CAPS in an attempt to place emphasis although it actually means in internet etiquette that you are shouting all of which she would find as quaint and charming as I do.

However, your mother might wonder what you meant by "FRUTILITY" and "PERSUE" and "CARREER".

Your beloved mother and I definitely wonder who "LINDA" is and if by that you meant my mother "Lynda" and if so how it would be my responsibility and not her husband's primary responsibility to provide for her.

Also, your lovely mother and I both wonder how I could support my mother as she gets older if I were to pursue a career as a security guard as you are suggesting when everyone knows a college graduate has a higher earning power than a non-college graduate.

Lastly, we all admire how fast you were able to transition from beginning to comment about the severe weather in Kansas today and seamlessly segue into your inspiring message to me.

I am grateful for this opportunity for meaningful interaction with you this day. I am heartened to know there are purveyors of truth and goodness out there in the ether of the internet such as yourself whom strive to be a positive and inspiring influence in the world on their fellow human beings and in particular, fellow American citizens such as myself.

I don't wish to distract you from the important stuff you are doing with your busy life by commenting here any further so I wish you a lovely day!

Kim Patrick Noyes