A Little Update On Where I Am Today

Since late last November or early last December I have had an appointment for mom for this Tuesday, February 2nd, set up with her first doctor since the late 1980s (when she had Delmar Greenleaf) that I got her through her Medicare Advantage Plan that I got her. One of the important and timely reasons for this appointment is so she can get the process started for getting ADA-certified for a handicap placard. This would force the city to allow us to keep her ramp to her front deck contrary to municipal building code's mandates. She knows she needs the placard just for her own convenience given how crippled she is becoming AND it would give her the convenience of the ramp AND it would make the house saleable at full market value which would benefit her AND it would mean I would not have to find her a roommate with an ADA placard whom she might not like living in her home. I made all of this abundantly clear to her yesterday because I know her well enough to know she might take off because she compulsively and impulsively avoids doing things she needs to do and seems to know when she can disrupt my life most and then do it to get attention. 

When I reminded her of this she informed me she planned on day-tripping down to Altadena for the day (Sunday) to visit her parent's grave on the 24th anniversary of her mother's death. This raised alarm bells because of the proximity in time to her appointment and her aforementioned proclivity. She also had recently told me how tired she was that she claimed she had no energy to be taking trips right now. I countered that I would like to go with her because I have not visited those graves since the last time I was with her doing the same thing about 15 years ago. She counter-countered that someone from A.A. (her go-to lying mechanism about having "people" with whom she needs to do stuff) was going with her and there was no room for me as mom has her car always packed (backseat is filled) for the Apocalypse and lives out of her car even when she is at home. I doubted the truth of her story but hoped she would keep to the day-trip aspect. 

I went down to her house tonight and she has not returned which means she took off as I feared. Her modus operandi would be to overnight at the Best Western King's Inn in Kingman, AZ. She probably never even went to her parent's gravesite which was a cover story for her latest insane adventure in avoidance and disruption. She still might return home tomorrow in time for the appointment but things are not looking good right now. I choose to not stress on what I cannot control. I can control my choices and I choose to focus on trusting God to keep mom from going on a bender and hurting/killing someone in a DUI accident. I also will go into Dr. Kiger's tomorrow and see if he can get mom set up with the paperwork for ADA placard via walk-in visit because if mom misses her appointment it's another two month wait and the deck ramp thing won't wait that long. Perhaps driving mom to Kiger later this week can accomplish this task for our family.

I woke up this past morning after sleeping 8 hours feeling like something bad is about to happen. I decided attending my church is not what I needed this Sunday. Instead, I elected to focus on the specific things I know I need right now for what may come soon. I have no control over other people's decisions let alone the consequences of same and I have no control over the consequences of my own choices. My own power is the power of my own agency given to me by my loving Creator who is also using the things I experience to teach me and to modify me. I chose to sit down and get still and quiet and spend some time in quiet prayer with God and got into the word reading various parts of the Book of Hebrews. I selected some songs performed by Mahalia Jackson and Tennessee Ernie Ford to listen to for this day's worship music. I then listened to a full sermon by my late maternal grandfather. After that I prepared a 4-egg omelet with veggies and Parmesan cheese and salsa verde dumped over it and ate 8 slices of bacon. After that I elected to take a 10-mile walk. Then I made a conscious decision to be around healthy people and watched all four currently-dropped episodes of WandaVision to get caught up on that TV series. 

 

Today I lived mindfully, employing mechanisms and strategies that are healthy and helpful and move my process along despite the chaos and disruption I am headed back into with my mom. I also once again gave mom to God and asked Him to take this burden from me as I feel it is close to becoming harmful to my well-being. God is in control; I am not. Let come what may! Everything is going to be okay in the end. It is not the end because it is not okay right now.

 

How It Works

Well it happened again today. I stopped by to visit and guess what I discovered? It must have started yesterday. Apparently, it was once again triggered by "breathing problems" (read as Anxiety Attack) and self-medication ensued. This will not end well I fear. I've been going through this full-on for just over three years now and much longer than that peripherally and unaware. I am haunted by the words from Alcoholics Anonymous' Big Book which are read before every meeting. That the Big Book of A.A. was heavily influenced by the Bible (A.A.'s founders were Christians) can be seen throughout this breathtakingly beautiful and profound excerpt. I am haunted by multiple parts of this which God has been bringing to mind a lot the past several months not unlike how He brings to mind passages of Scripture. It is noteworthy that one can replace the word "alcohol" with the word "sin" and it all works just as well. Each can be seen as a metaphor of the other.


"Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or will not completely give themselves to this simple program, usually men and women who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. There are such unfortunates. They are not at fault; they seem to have been born that way. They are naturally incapable of grasping and developing a manner of living which demands rigorous honesty. Their chances are less than average.
There are those, too, who suffer from grave emotional and mental disorders, but many of them do recover if they have the capacity to be honest.
Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now. If you have decided you want what we have and are willing to go to any length to get it -- then you are ready to take certain steps.
At some of these we balked. Thought we could find an easier, softer way. But we could not. With all the earnestness at our command, we beg of you to be fearless and thorough from the very start. Some of us have tried to hold on to our old ideas and the result was nil until we let go absolutely.
Remember that we deal with alcohol, cunning, baffling, powerful! Without help it is too much for us. But there is One who has all power that One is God. May you find Him now!
Half measures availed us nothing. We stood at the turning point. We asked His protection and care with complete abandon.
Here are the steps we took, which are suggested as a program of recovery:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.  Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.  Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.  Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.  Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Many of us exclaimed, "What an order! I can't go through with it." Do not be discouraged. No one among us has been able to maintain anything like perfect adherence to these principles. We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. The principles we have set down are guides to progress. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection." 

~ Chapter 5: How It Works

Scripture of the Day - David (Ps. 37:35-36)

It never ceases to amaze me how God can talk to those who are His own through His Word in contexts which can be so seemingly mundane and prosaic. Tonight, as I created my latest culinary masterpiece HERE, I crushed some bay leaves and dropped them into my nascent stew and immediately the following passage of scripture (Psalms 37:35-36) rang in my head loud and clear:

"I have seen the wicked in great power, and spreading himself like a green bay tree. Yet he passed away, and, lo, he was not: yea, I sought him, but he could not be found."

I Really Choose To Be Free

Yesterday, the 2000 trance track "Be Free" by Trance Cowboys came to my mind fairly out of thin air. I only know of it because it is featured in Taucher's 2000 live concert recording Live @ Webster Hall New York City which I purchased only a few years after it was released. Upon thinking of this I realized I needed to listen to it again and I also realized it was a repetition (for emphasis) of the liberation them God has been communicating to me lately as it pertains to both myself and my best friend. I say "repetition" because recently I unexpectedly encountered another track titled "Be Free" which God used to communicate to me the same message which I shared HERE. The above version of "Be Free" starts at 19:11 and ends at about the 23:52 mark.
*NOTE: there is another trance track on this recording which I have shared before on this blog HERE which track I consider the theme (or one of the themes) musical scores to my life titled "Winter Love" which starts at about the 28-minute mark.

I Choose To Be Free

Today on my way to visit Loved One who is currently not living free, and in some respects I'm not, either, I realized "Be Free" by Live Element was playing and then and there I rediscovered it 15 years after finding it in the early 2000s when it was released in 2001 and I first encountered it in the 2002 mix cd Party Time 2002 Continuous Mix by DJ Escape. Back then, I liked the repetitive house music sound. Today, I liked what it actually says which although limited in words, emphasis through repetition the idea of "Be Free..... In Your Life.... Be Free" and "Open your mind.... and Be Free." Although this song is secular, I find a very Christian message potentially contained therein as God has called us to be free through Him and to not be a slave to anything.

Scripture of the Day - Peter (IPet.5:7-9)

Today, as every day lately, I felt overwhelmed and powerless and stuck in an indecisive quagmire of the mind. Between struggling with EdTPA and with the latest struggles and failures of Loved One, I have been tempted to despair. Today while I was variously out driving while running errands or while walking my dog this evening, I found these passages of Scripture entering my mind unsolicited by me and each directly addressing what I was in that moment contemplating. Two of these passages have already been posted on this blog previously HERE and HERE. However, the third one is new to this column in this blog and I share it with you now:

"Cast all your worries upon Him, for He cares about you. Be sober-minded, be watchful; because your adversary the devil, as a prowling lion, roams about seeking whom he may devour. Resist him standing firm in your faith, being ever mindful that such struggles are being experienced by your brethren throughout the world."
~ I Peter 5:7-9 (Kimicus ad Absurdum translation)

Picture of the Day - High Point of My Week

This is the balance of my Thursday night church home group family which I have christened the "Self Help" Gang. Thursday nights are the high point of my week which I look forward to from week to week. Photo by Kim Patrick Noyes (all rights reserved).

Scripture of the Day - David & Paul

Today, as I observed in my school placement classroom and assisted my cooperating teacher to the degree possible given the nature of today's lesson plan, two passages of Scripture kept ringing in my head over and over and over, to wit, "Serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling." (Ps. 2:11) and ".... my strength is made perfect in weakness." (II Cor. 12:9)

I soon recognized what the Lord was communicating to me as I have been stressed for months about how I will deal with being in front of a classroom full of high school sophomores and my cooperating teacher and at times other adult monitors who are grading me either for my credential program or whom I have invited in to watch me so I can get a letter of recommendation from them. Part of my problem has been losing my mojo over the course of a rough quarter at Cal Poly and part of my problem has my inability heretofore to self-actualize the persona of my being a teacher.... that is until the past several days. Talking to my history mentor Dennis Judd on Sunday I shared with him some of my concerns and he told me he never entirely lost the sense of being uncomfortable teaching in front of a community college class and felt that was a good thing as it kept a teacher honest and humble and being more careful about their teaching. I really took that sage counsel to heart. Then today's passages of Scripture reminded me that I am a servant serving my loving Creator who created me to be a teacher as everybody around me for years has observed. God's power is perfected through human imperfection and weakness as the chaff and the dross of human brokenness is purged out in such situations and all that remains is God stuff.

Scripture of the Day - Paul (Phil. 4:13)

This past week was finals week at Cal Poly and I barely survived it for a variety of reasons. These reasons included the fact I came into the week a bit behind and had to get caught up AND also actually complete my finals. These finals were all project-based and, to varying degrees and in differing ways, difficult. It seems many/most of the members of my teaching credential cohort struggled to varying degrees under both the quantity of assignments and the sometimes difficult-to-grasp expectations of the instructors.

I also was dealing with my continued recovery from the mental-emotional-psychological-spiritual damage I incurred earlier in the quarter with some family stuff which saw me being able to be strong during the crisis but then experience a bit of a mental-emotional collapse after things stabilized. Then there was my annual onset of S.A.D.

Then there is the fact this time of year features the death anniversaries of the two primary male figures in my life who died when I was in high school, one my freshman year and the other my senior year. Nary a year passes I do not think and reflect upon these anniversaries. If you have been following this blog you know these deaths had a profound and abiding impact on my life to which I am still sorting out and trying to recover and onward move.

Then there is the deepest level of causation and that has been the spiritual attack I have endured as the Enemy has attempted to distract and discourage me. Indeed, I have repeatedly felt like I was in over my head in this adventure and contemplated dropping out of the course. Yet, God's grace abounds and abides and I passed all my classes despite barely surviving one of them. One of the several passages of Scripture that got me through the past week and became one of my mantras was the verse below:

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~ (Philippians 4:13 [KJV])

My 11/20/16 SITREP

Today I learned some things. Church was good. I got a decent sermon out of New Day Church pastor Brad Alford whose church now shares my church's building (North County Christian Fellowship Church) here in Paso Robles, CA. Today was held a joint service of both churches. Pastor Alford discussed reconciliation which I need to make with myself still it seems as I was reminded this morning.

This morning I finally recognized that my heart has been being grieved throughout this quarter by some of the curriculum I'm being taught in the Education Department at my university. Some of these ideas come straight from Hell. I recognized this from Day One, but did not realize until today that it has been adversely affecting me. It is one thing to teach unconditionally treating people with decency and respect and sensitivity whom live in ways that are strange to us or with whom we disagree. That is right and just and decent and Christian. Concerning that I can agree with it wholeheartedly. However, where they are indoctrinating us to change how we think about certain foundational things into new ways of thinking of those things such as are contrary to sound doctrine and natural law, I cannot accept. Then there is all the political correctness I am required to endure this quarter in particular parts of the curriculum.

Then there is the matter of the structure and content of my classes which thus far leave something to be desired. We are being swamped with too much coursework that aside from the useful stuff of which there is admittedly much, there is in some other cases information and coursework that is at best useless or worse, damnable. My heart has been grieved all quarter long and it has affected my performance. Now I fully recognize why and it is a relief to my soul and mind.

This is on top of the disruption to my life caused by the struggles of Loved One. That person is in a Renaissance of sorts now for over 40 days. However, much damage is now already done to me. I have had the mental-emotional pins knocked out from under me. I am learning to trust again. I seek to find rest in my heart while regaining my mojo.

On top of all that, I'm dealing with the annual appearance of my mild S.A.D. as Autumn deepens towards Winter. Only just this past week did I recognize that this has returned and consequently I can now manage it.

Unfortunately, I'm now behind in several assignments and getting some zeroes on things. I am concerned I will not pass this quarter in all my classes and flunk out of the teaching credential program. God, please help me!

Tomorrow I plan to work my ass off at home getting caught up while I also recover from a mild cold I picked up late last week. Whatever happens, God is with me, even if I do flunk out. He will still love me and have use for me. I will focus on the things I can control and not worry about what I cannot control. This is my choice, this is my power, such as it is, with all its limitations.

Scripture of the Day - Paul (Phil. 4:7)

Today and yesterday I became aware that I am and was yesterday emotionally floating through the previously mentioned pain and sense of being overwhelmed by the things currently going on my my family sphere. I have not been and am not now numb or disconnected from those feelings, but rather, I now realize I am and have been ensconced in a womb of peace and comfort in the midst of the pain and negativity. What I have is something I have experienced before but never so potently and blatantly obvious. What I have is a gift from above and is best described in the Scripture below:

"And the peace of God which transcends all human understanding shall keep your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:7 (Kimicus ad Absurdum translation)

Scripture of the Day - David (Ps. 118:23-24)

A lot lately I have found myself nearly singing this as a mantra inside myself as I head afresh into a new day full of opportunity not yet sullied by setbacks and the vicissitudes of life. Such was the case once again this morning on my drive to work when I would otherwise prefer to be in church.

"This is God's doing and it is awesome to behold. This is the day which the Lord has made; we will rejoice and be glad in it."

~ Psalm 118:23-24 (Kimicus ad Absurdum translation)

Thought of the Day - Divine Appointments

The theme of "divine appointments" keeps echoing in my mind this week and I'm not quite certain why and to what it refers. Am I in one or is one eminent? I'm keeping my heart and eyes open in the meantime.

Elmer Gantry Jr. Visited My Church Today

Today I walked out of church in disgust mid-sermon: my church had Elmer Gantry the Younger false teaching in front of my church family. We had Elmer Gantry the Elder as an assistant pastor a few years ago before we fired his ass. Somebody should have done as much research on he-whose-name-is-unworthy-of-mention-here and his heretical cult-like sect as I undertook tonight, before allowing him into our inner sanctum this morning. 

I "tried the spirits whether they be of God." I am skeptical of this fool's unsubstantiated claims about himself in regards to his alleged magical "healing powers." I was disgusted by his shameless self-promotion. I contemn his self-aggrandizing exaggerations about his education (he suggested he once could have demolished a particular critic in a theological throw-down but chose to take the high road when in fact his credentials are lightweight). I was appalled by his presumptuous, smarty, smarmy, glib, flippant, cocky demeanor and attitude. I experienced a violent lack of peace hearing his words and looking at his impudent face and body language. His own unsound doctrine was blatant to which Grandpa McGee back in the day would have skull-fucked him in a theological debate while I myself nowadays in such a situation would merely rip him a new asshole. Last but not least, the heretical tradition (a fringe pentecostal/charismatic healing cult) in which he has devoted himself should have excluded him from preaching in our church. 

Our church needs to do a better job of vetting who comes and talks to us. Or perhaps, I am in the wrong church.

Scripture of the Day - Jesus Christ (John 8:32)

Today, fairly early on I actually sat down with the Lord and read in my Bible a little bit for a change of pace instead of running screaming out the door attacking my day under-prepared for the impending and inevitable spiritual battles to follow.  I read the entirety of John 8 and when I reached verse 32 it jumped off the page at me. I immediately knew it referred to what God has been revealing to me this week about my Loved One. These are unpleasant and heart-wrenching and bitterly disappointing revelations. However, they explain so much that has made no sense to me for so long and has felt so terribly frustrating. Indeed, I feel like I am being released even as my heart breaks and I feel lonelier than I ever have before.... at least in a familial context.

".... And you will know the truth and the truth will make you free." 

~ John 8:32 (Kimicus ad Absurdum translation)

Broken But Not Condemned

I discovered this song tonight quite by accident. It really struck a nerve in my heart and really speaks to where I am right now in my life. I've felt real broken the past month and a half or two as a consequence of many things happening to me at once, some of it inflicted upon me and some of it self-inflicted. I'm finished feeling broken. I am reminded in Romans 8:1 that there is no condemnation to them who are in Christ Jesus. As for the artistry of this amazing 2013 Depeche Mode track "Broken" from their album "Delta Machine", they seem to keep getting better and better as their 80s and 90s stuff was great, 2005's "Precious" which I shared HERE was awesome and now this.

Finals Week Soliloquy

Tonight I am at home alone recovering from my recent bout with either bronchitis or pneumonia as well as the effects of finals (which I completed Tuesday) and senior project (which I completed Thursday of last week) at Cal Poly as well as caring for and caring about a dear Loved One's brokenness. I feel utterly drained and a bit anti-social. In fact, I keep entertaining the idea of ditching my graduation ceremony at Cal Poly this Sunday and just going to the beach alone. However, I know I would regret that decision were I to chose that option so I plan to walk Sunday. I feel a bit discombooberated after all I have experienced and endured over the course of my journey, especially the past two years at Cal Poly and more so this just-ending spring quarter. For the first time in my life I feel middle-aged and I hate it. It feels like too many things have hit me in too short a period of time.

The past two years at Cal Poly have been an amazing experience that has helped me to grow as a man and broadened my horizons. I have been forced to reassess some of my opinions and realizations and make improvements, while other opinions and realizations have merely been reinforced. While at Cal Poly I did not join the Rose Parade float team as I had originally planned, but I did become a member of Phi Alpha Theta. I made some new friends at Cal Poly including one of my professors. While I did not find my wife at Cal Poly or even acquire a girlfriend, I did manage to maintain a celibate lifestyle and keep myself sexually pure in a sexually-charged environment. Of course, it helped I was a fat-forty-something living off-campus for the duration, but still. And yes, I became a Fat Fuck at Cal Poly. Between graduating from Cuesta College in mid-May, 2014, and starting at Cal Poly in late-September, 2014, I lost 25-30 lbs. Over the following two years I quickly gained that back and doubled it up to a 50 lb.+ weight gain. I seem to have fallen just under a 3.5 GPA for my Cal Poly undergrad career.... too many otherwise good papers turned in late caught up with me too many times and I let some A's get away from me.... my bad.

However, I also had a lot of distractions in my private life with the aforementioned Loved One's struggles not helping my already difficult time dealing with my chronic procrastination problem. This two-pronged assault on my GPA began in the Winter of 2015 and kept up right into this week. If this continues either I won't graduate from grad school next year or my Loved One will have to find somebody else to help them if they fall again. Have I been helping or enabling or a bit of both?

I don't know what to expect with what comes next: Cuesta College summer school health ed class (Health 202) to satisfy a requirement for the teaching credential program that I did not get fulfilled at Cal Poly. At least this will be one less unit and a thousand dollars cheaper than had I completed it at Cal Poly. However, I shall have to drive (or ride the bus) to Cuesta College main campus in SLO for six weeks, starting next Tuesday, three days a week (Tuesday-Thursday, 9 a.m.-12 p.m.). After that I will have to return to Cal Poly a month earlier than other types of students because I will be doing in-class work at Atascadero High School with my master teacher Ben Tomasini. We will take classes before the local schools resume classes so that means going back to school mid-August instead of late-September. Fall 2016 quarter will be 16 units PLUS some in-class time each week with our master teacher. I hear it will be the roughest quarter of the grad program.

God is sovereign, God is in control. God knows what I'm doing, I do not. I'm just trying to be a good soldier of Jesus Christ and let the chips fall where they may. I have come a long way, yet have such a long way to go. I am merely an explorer and sojourner here; life is fascinating, but so very ephemeral. May God protect me from the storms to come!

Something Was Wrong

For quite some time, but increasingly severely this quarter I have struggled with mental focus, motivation, ambition, and self-confidence..... I lost my mojo and felt overwhelmed by what I have to do to complete my coursework to graduate from Cal Poly a month from today. I have been often feeling powerless to do anything... especially as it pertains to my senior project at which I am severely behind schedule.

This morning the blinders came off and I recognized that something has been wrong.... I mean spiritually, not merely senioritus and college burn-out (which are also occurring), but also rather something deeper and more profound... and punitive. God has been gently disciplining me by withdrawing the full measure of blessing I have been more accustomed to and the full benefit of my God-given talents and skills. I have been like a ship in the Doldrums with hardly any guiding current of wind and water to motion me forth.... and I have not even recognized it.

This mild cursing has not been the consequence of any exotic or serious sin in the way we commonly rate/rank sins which is not God's perspective on sin anyway. For God any sin is sin no matter how small we might think it. No, I have not been away from God or out of right relationship with him. However, particular ongoing issues in my life I have left unaddressed or inadequately-addressed (like my tithe of time with God each day) or in other cases I've backslid into some things (like resuming arguing politics on Facebook after I had sworn off of that last month at God's insistence). There have been other things, too, but now you get the picture I hope.

God has pushed back on me to get my attention because He loves me and wants me to be close to Him and thus in a healthy relationship with Him which my selfishness, sloth, and stubbornness have hindered in recent months. Me being the knucklehead I am it took me awhile to figure it out. Scripture reveals "For whom the Lord loves he chastens and disciplines each of his children."(Hebrews 12:6) I have accepted the reproof and made things right and today was the most amazing day I have had in longer than I can remember. God is great and I love Him as He loves me!

When God Says Zip It

God revealed to me just now during my morning devotional time that I need to calm the fuck down and stop arguing with everybody about politics as that is not reflecting God through me.... not that a little discussion and even debate is bad but my FB political feuds with some people have been crossing the line with God and are ended, effective immediately.

Something About Christian Weddings

Tonight I worked a wedding at Santa Margarita Ranch involving a young couple who were truly Christian people. This was probably my fourth wedding of such a devout couple. I have noticed a cute pattern to such weddings which continued last night. Whereas secular weddings always go as late as the venue allows, the young Christian couples are always in a hurry to get away as early as possible and the music invariably ends at 9 p.m. and the party breaks up at that point.

One other cute thing about tonight's wedding was that the couple (Nolan and Kelly Scott) have known each other since kindergarten. They grew up in the same Assembly of God church in Sunland, CA, and remained in each other's orbit. By their senior year of high school he asked her to be his prom date which seemed to kindle things. Subsequently, they both attended Biola University from whence they recently graduated. He asked her to marry him while visiting her on her study abroad program in London, England.

In this day and age of jaded cynicism, it is inspiring to know that such people, undoubtedly human and imperfect, nonetheless find the means (through Christ) to live a life conducted in such a way. My work partner, Mike, and I prayed for this couple's wedding and marriage on the drive to work not yet knowing we were praying for this union of two awesome young people.